Predictably, as a woman in my thirties, I spend quite some time thinking about whether I want children or not. It has been a surprise to me that this is quite so complicated for me. 10 years ago, I wouldn't have hesitated in declaring I wanted to have children. But, as is often the case with decisions, they get harder when taken under greater urgency and when you are having to enact them rather than just talk about them.
While I sometimes wish I was someone for whom this decision seemed more straight forward, given that I am not (and I know I am not alone here), I am glad to be able to think and talk it through with friends (with children and without) and, as well as that, take part in an open conversation that women before me, and women in many places around the world still, have not had the opportunity to do.
Why has it got more complicated?
In a study of a group of undergraduates in 2012, less than half said they planned to have children, compared to 75% in 1992. This was the same for both men and women. The study explored the participants' perceptions of work, life and family and concluded that men, women and life have changed. While motherhood used to and still fulfils a need in women to help others, nowadays, 'helping others can be achieved through social impact or a successful career. Motherhood is no longer viewed as the sole path to nurturing, and “family” means something different than it used to'. Mariella Frostrup puts it well: 'The popular theory that a woman's only purpose on the planet is to make babies dates back to the dark, pre-emancipated ages when giving us ideas above our station could have led to the unsavoury prospect of equal status...We're too brilliant as creations for our lives to be purely predicated on sustaining the species. People achieve posterity and contribute to the future of mankind in myriad ways, from writing symphonies to discovering penicillin, curing cancer, writing a literary opus or saving their next-door neighbour's cat'.
Furthermore, notions of traditional roles have, to a certain extent, been challenged and changed but one thing that has emerged from that is, for both men and women, it becomes harder to see how children realistically fit into the new scene in which both parents work and working hours are long.
These things definitely are part of my dilemma about whether or not to have children. Other things that feel more complicated for me are that the more I live my life (child-free) the more personally fulfilled I feel, the more personal aspiration I have (all be it to make a difference in the world) and the more I wonder how children can fit into that, whereas 10 years ago, I might have been prepared to let go of more and more naive about what I could achieve/ manage.
A large proportion of my friends have children now and I hear a lot about lack of sleep and problems of parenthood. Chatting to a friend recently who was recounting that he had not slept through the night for a couple of years, I asked him why he would recommend having children. He paused for a minute before a bashful smile spread across his face and he replied 'because it is the most fulfilling thing I have ever done. It put a whole new perspective on life. It's like having two of your best friends constantly in your life'. In a similar conversation with my sister-in-law, she told me that having kids totally changed her perspective on life and made different things seem important which, on the whole, she felt had been an overwhelmingly positive change in her life. That struck a chord. When I spend time with kids, either my nieces or my pupils at school, my life takes on a greater meaning for me too. I become less self-focused, more in the moment and more compassionate.
This seemingly predictable perspective on parenthood came as a bit of a surprise to me, despite spending so much time contemplating the dilemma. Perhaps this is due to the fact that, as Mariella points out: 'Parenting, though one of the hardest choices you'll have to make, is one of the few life-changing events that doesn't bear up to much scrutiny...Doing what's right for you is often a guessing game and none of us is infallible in our choices. Something tells me that no matter how much I think about this, there will never be a straightforward choice. Indeed the notion of choice is not straightforward, but overall I feel lucky to have a choice and I try to honour that by thinking deeply and hearing different perspectives.
While I sometimes wish I was someone for whom this decision seemed more straight forward, given that I am not (and I know I am not alone here), I am glad to be able to think and talk it through with friends (with children and without) and, as well as that, take part in an open conversation that women before me, and women in many places around the world still, have not had the opportunity to do.
Why has it got more complicated?
In a study of a group of undergraduates in 2012, less than half said they planned to have children, compared to 75% in 1992. This was the same for both men and women. The study explored the participants' perceptions of work, life and family and concluded that men, women and life have changed. While motherhood used to and still fulfils a need in women to help others, nowadays, 'helping others can be achieved through social impact or a successful career. Motherhood is no longer viewed as the sole path to nurturing, and “family” means something different than it used to'. Mariella Frostrup puts it well: 'The popular theory that a woman's only purpose on the planet is to make babies dates back to the dark, pre-emancipated ages when giving us ideas above our station could have led to the unsavoury prospect of equal status...We're too brilliant as creations for our lives to be purely predicated on sustaining the species. People achieve posterity and contribute to the future of mankind in myriad ways, from writing symphonies to discovering penicillin, curing cancer, writing a literary opus or saving their next-door neighbour's cat'.
Furthermore, notions of traditional roles have, to a certain extent, been challenged and changed but one thing that has emerged from that is, for both men and women, it becomes harder to see how children realistically fit into the new scene in which both parents work and working hours are long.
These things definitely are part of my dilemma about whether or not to have children. Other things that feel more complicated for me are that the more I live my life (child-free) the more personally fulfilled I feel, the more personal aspiration I have (all be it to make a difference in the world) and the more I wonder how children can fit into that, whereas 10 years ago, I might have been prepared to let go of more and more naive about what I could achieve/ manage.
A large proportion of my friends have children now and I hear a lot about lack of sleep and problems of parenthood. Chatting to a friend recently who was recounting that he had not slept through the night for a couple of years, I asked him why he would recommend having children. He paused for a minute before a bashful smile spread across his face and he replied 'because it is the most fulfilling thing I have ever done. It put a whole new perspective on life. It's like having two of your best friends constantly in your life'. In a similar conversation with my sister-in-law, she told me that having kids totally changed her perspective on life and made different things seem important which, on the whole, she felt had been an overwhelmingly positive change in her life. That struck a chord. When I spend time with kids, either my nieces or my pupils at school, my life takes on a greater meaning for me too. I become less self-focused, more in the moment and more compassionate.
This seemingly predictable perspective on parenthood came as a bit of a surprise to me, despite spending so much time contemplating the dilemma. Perhaps this is due to the fact that, as Mariella points out: 'Parenting, though one of the hardest choices you'll have to make, is one of the few life-changing events that doesn't bear up to much scrutiny...Doing what's right for you is often a guessing game and none of us is infallible in our choices. Something tells me that no matter how much I think about this, there will never be a straightforward choice. Indeed the notion of choice is not straightforward, but overall I feel lucky to have a choice and I try to honour that by thinking deeply and hearing different perspectives.