As a married, currently childless, woman in my mid-thirties with a career I love and have spent the past 10 years developing, I naturally spend a fair amount of time thinking about how women can or can't have it all; if we should be leaning in, demanding more or giving less; whether or not I am weak or strong for working full time, while still taking on 80% of the shopping, cooking, cleaning and other marital/ home responsibilities.
However, while all these thoughts are articulated in terms of being a woman, they are actually tied up in being a human, and more particularly, in being a human in the world today. It is about questioning some of the assumptions that have ruled supreme for the last couple of generations - that busy and stressed equals successful; that successful equals doing everything, all the time, at the highest standards; that successful equals being all things for all people; the more you do the stronger you are. And we need to change these messages not just for women but for men and for girls and for boys.
While the 24/7 culture affects women more than men, as they tend still to suck up the majority of housework and childcare, and who, exhausted and disappointed in themselves for not being able to live up to the myth of having it all, drop out just as they're making it to positions of leadership, the most damaging effect is on society as a whole. A recent interview on the Guardian Women in Leadership blog, Anne-Marie Slaughter (author of the 2012 Why Women Still Can't Have it All article) discusses how the conversation has to widen:
“We tell girls they can be caregivers or breadwinners, or any combination of the two but we still judge boys on how much money they bring in” . She wants to change this, to encourage parents, schools and employers to offer the same opportunities to men that they do to women and to value the role of the lead parent. “No male CEO expects to be CEO and the lead parent. The only way we’re going to get 50% women in leadership positions is if 50% of men are happy to be the lead caregiver for at least some part of their career”.
Rosa Brooks, in her article Recline! makes a similar point: "We've managed to create a world in which ubiquity is valued above all...And this isn't just about women. Men -- and our society more broadly -- also suffer when both work and parenting are intensive, round-the-clock activities...If we truly want gender equality, we need to challenge the assumption that more is always better, and the assumption that men don't suffer as much as women when they're exhausted and have no time for family or fun. And we need to challenge those assumptions wherever we find them, both in the workplace and in the family."
Her article, written tongue in cheek and with great humour, describes brilliantly the catch 22 of leaning in - the obvious rewards (peer respect, expanding social networks, career success) of throwing yourself wholeheartedly into everything, taking on challenges, giving everything your best shot in both your professional and personal life. And then she captured a scenario I often find myself in and hear my friends talk about:
"Soon, the rewards of leaning in doubled. Then they quadrupled. Then they began to increase exponentially.
I leaned in some more. I ate protein bars and made important telephone calls during my morning commute. I stopped reading novels so I could write more articles and memos and make more handicrafts to contribute to the school auction. I put in extra hours at work. When I came home, I did radio interviews over Skype from my living room while supervising the children's math homework.
And I realized that I hated Sheryl Sandberg. Because, of course, I was miserable. I never saw my friends, because I was too busy building my network. I was too tired to do any creative, outside-the-box thinking. I was boxed in. Trapped! I wondered if foreign-policy punditry was just too much for me. I wondered if I should move to Santa Fe and open a small gallery specializing in handicrafts made from recycled tires. I wondered if my husband and kids would want to go with me."
Yes, I want equal opportunities, but I don't want them on the terms they're being offered. I want to change the terms. This was articulated perfectly by Anne-Marie Slaughter:
“The lean-in framework is in many ways essential to get ahead in what has been traditionally a workaholic, competitive, alpha male world. That world is not healthy. It doesn’t reflect many of our values and my view is if you really want to get to genuine gender equality then we don’t want to make it in that world, in fact we’d prefer to change that world”.
When asked about fulfillment, she answered as follows: ''That you are pursuing things in your life, both professionally and personally, that allow you to grow, to learn and to develop, to feel that you have meaning and purpose in your life". Now some of us find that in the 24/7 culture of work, busy-ness and goal-orientated competition, but most of us find it in real relationships with colleagues and friends and family - relationships that take the sort of time that being busy pushes out. I'm so busy doing things I think I should do to be more successful and therefore more fulfilled that I don't have the sort of time to spend with the people in my life which makes me most fulfilled.
Rather than lean in or lean out, how about lean on - each other.
However, while all these thoughts are articulated in terms of being a woman, they are actually tied up in being a human, and more particularly, in being a human in the world today. It is about questioning some of the assumptions that have ruled supreme for the last couple of generations - that busy and stressed equals successful; that successful equals doing everything, all the time, at the highest standards; that successful equals being all things for all people; the more you do the stronger you are. And we need to change these messages not just for women but for men and for girls and for boys.
While the 24/7 culture affects women more than men, as they tend still to suck up the majority of housework and childcare, and who, exhausted and disappointed in themselves for not being able to live up to the myth of having it all, drop out just as they're making it to positions of leadership, the most damaging effect is on society as a whole. A recent interview on the Guardian Women in Leadership blog, Anne-Marie Slaughter (author of the 2012 Why Women Still Can't Have it All article) discusses how the conversation has to widen:
“We tell girls they can be caregivers or breadwinners, or any combination of the two but we still judge boys on how much money they bring in” . She wants to change this, to encourage parents, schools and employers to offer the same opportunities to men that they do to women and to value the role of the lead parent. “No male CEO expects to be CEO and the lead parent. The only way we’re going to get 50% women in leadership positions is if 50% of men are happy to be the lead caregiver for at least some part of their career”.
Rosa Brooks, in her article Recline! makes a similar point: "We've managed to create a world in which ubiquity is valued above all...And this isn't just about women. Men -- and our society more broadly -- also suffer when both work and parenting are intensive, round-the-clock activities...If we truly want gender equality, we need to challenge the assumption that more is always better, and the assumption that men don't suffer as much as women when they're exhausted and have no time for family or fun. And we need to challenge those assumptions wherever we find them, both in the workplace and in the family."
Her article, written tongue in cheek and with great humour, describes brilliantly the catch 22 of leaning in - the obvious rewards (peer respect, expanding social networks, career success) of throwing yourself wholeheartedly into everything, taking on challenges, giving everything your best shot in both your professional and personal life. And then she captured a scenario I often find myself in and hear my friends talk about:
"Soon, the rewards of leaning in doubled. Then they quadrupled. Then they began to increase exponentially.
I leaned in some more. I ate protein bars and made important telephone calls during my morning commute. I stopped reading novels so I could write more articles and memos and make more handicrafts to contribute to the school auction. I put in extra hours at work. When I came home, I did radio interviews over Skype from my living room while supervising the children's math homework.
And I realized that I hated Sheryl Sandberg. Because, of course, I was miserable. I never saw my friends, because I was too busy building my network. I was too tired to do any creative, outside-the-box thinking. I was boxed in. Trapped! I wondered if foreign-policy punditry was just too much for me. I wondered if I should move to Santa Fe and open a small gallery specializing in handicrafts made from recycled tires. I wondered if my husband and kids would want to go with me."
Yes, I want equal opportunities, but I don't want them on the terms they're being offered. I want to change the terms. This was articulated perfectly by Anne-Marie Slaughter:
“The lean-in framework is in many ways essential to get ahead in what has been traditionally a workaholic, competitive, alpha male world. That world is not healthy. It doesn’t reflect many of our values and my view is if you really want to get to genuine gender equality then we don’t want to make it in that world, in fact we’d prefer to change that world”.
When asked about fulfillment, she answered as follows: ''That you are pursuing things in your life, both professionally and personally, that allow you to grow, to learn and to develop, to feel that you have meaning and purpose in your life". Now some of us find that in the 24/7 culture of work, busy-ness and goal-orientated competition, but most of us find it in real relationships with colleagues and friends and family - relationships that take the sort of time that being busy pushes out. I'm so busy doing things I think I should do to be more successful and therefore more fulfilled that I don't have the sort of time to spend with the people in my life which makes me most fulfilled.
Rather than lean in or lean out, how about lean on - each other.