Reading this article Enough is Enough, which looks at the fight against societal sexism, I was struck hard by a connection I hadn't made in my own life. Written by the founder of Everyday Sexism, the article reflects on what has shocked her most since starting the project: the extent of sexual harassment experienced by under 18's and the effect this has, namely the message in society that women are sexual objects whose value depends on how they look and that men decide this cause it's just the way they're made. She describes the experience of a girl who, scared and overwhelmed by the sexual attention she received from men, slid into an eating disorder: ''Losing weight seemed like the appropriate reaction to being looked at as a sexual being. It's kind of reclaiming your body, but in a really negative way. I remember feeling completely powerless."
This is what hit me. When I was 11, I remember a boy at school asking me out and when I turned him down he nicknamed me thunder thighs and chanted it to the tune of the children's cartoon Thundercats whenever he saw me, causing hilarity among other students. I'd never thought about my thighs before. I was much taller then all my peers and knew I was less child-like as a result, but I thought no more of it. But this taunting really got to me. No big deal right? Everyone gets called names at school. But looking back now, I can see it was the first of many experiences of being sexualized by men whether I wanted that or not.
As I moved to senior school, this intensified and I received huge amounts of male attention. I couldn't walk between lessons without being wolf-whistled, asked out or having sequal and aggresively flirtatious comments whispered or shouted in my direction. I'd find my name scribed on desks with the words 'is fit' (teenage speak for hot, beautiful), 'I love' or 'I want to have sex with'. While some might think I should enjoy this, the fact is, I didn't. I hated it. I felt like everything was taken out of my hands and placed in the hands of men, who, based on what they thought about me (or how I looked) and what they wanted from me, decided who I should be. On top of which, if I gave them what they wanted, I'd be labelled a slut and if I didn't I'd be labelled frigid and men I didn't please started hate campaigns on me which we're joined (or even led) by women who (for some reason I don't understand) were jealous. It took over my life, when all I wanted was to learn, get good grades, play netball, sing in the choir and make friends.
It was no surprise, looking back, that as a 13 year old, trying to find my way into adulthood and experiencing this, I became anorexic. It killed several birds with one stone. Firstly, and most importantly, it gave me something that I could have control over when I felt I had so little control over anything else. Secondly, as I started to look more like a skeleton than a siren, the attention and the harassment faded away. And thirdly, it served as a way of punishing myself for something I believed must be my fault.
I lost many years of my life to the fight with my mental and physical health that ensued. Anorexia is a complicated illness and there were many other contributing attributes and factors to the illness that stole years of my life, placed me at death's door more than once, and ripped through the lives of my loved ones. I am lucky enough, after much help and support and a huge personal battle to be completely recovered and with an amazing life.
But, although I have recognized the impact of the circumstances I've described here before, it was only as I read this article that I connected it with sexism. And a level of sexism that isn't about individuals but about society. Why did no-one tell me how to deal with this? Why did no-one tell boys that it's not OK to treat girls like that? Why did no-one help me develop counter messages about my identity as a woman that countered those I was receiving on a daily basis? Why did everyone just behave like this was just a part of growing up? It shouldn't be. It doesn't have to be.
We need to educate girls and boys about how to treat each other and what to expect from each other. Girls should not be seen as or made to feel like, their primary worth is as a sexual object and, on top of which, that worth will be decided by men, or, actually by society, driven by paternalistic or capitalist or whatever other values that place woman in this position (but that's another chapter's worth).
A recent study concluded that girls are more likely than boys to experience negative mental health effects as a result of the expectations placed on relationships. Author of the study Brian Soller, an assistant professor of sociology and a senior fellow of the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation Center for Health Policy at the University of New Mexico, said "Romantic relationships are particularly important components of girls' identities and are, therefore, strongly related to how they feel about themselves – good or bad. As a result, relationships that diverge from what girls envision for themselves are especially damaging to their emotional well-being."
As Jill Filipovic, in The Guardian, points out, this combination of relational and sexual identity is toxic and needs to be countered by changes in both policy and law and attitudes, 'including adult women modelling healthy female self-identity apart from their relationships, and adult men embracing the importance of their relationships and displaying their capacity for caregiving'. She points out that this also means 'expecting our sons to be emotionally competent, generous and sensitive to how their actions impact the people around them'. She concludes by saying 'there's no weakness in loving the people you love or in prioritizing your family and significant other. But there are dangers in a model of womanhood defined by sacrifice and folding yourself into others. We all want girls to develop positive self-esteem and feel a strong sense of self-worth. But it's awfully hard to do that in a society where, for girls and women, self-identity is relational and not about yourself at all.'
We have to change the norms and it has to start with the young.
This is what hit me. When I was 11, I remember a boy at school asking me out and when I turned him down he nicknamed me thunder thighs and chanted it to the tune of the children's cartoon Thundercats whenever he saw me, causing hilarity among other students. I'd never thought about my thighs before. I was much taller then all my peers and knew I was less child-like as a result, but I thought no more of it. But this taunting really got to me. No big deal right? Everyone gets called names at school. But looking back now, I can see it was the first of many experiences of being sexualized by men whether I wanted that or not.
As I moved to senior school, this intensified and I received huge amounts of male attention. I couldn't walk between lessons without being wolf-whistled, asked out or having sequal and aggresively flirtatious comments whispered or shouted in my direction. I'd find my name scribed on desks with the words 'is fit' (teenage speak for hot, beautiful), 'I love' or 'I want to have sex with'. While some might think I should enjoy this, the fact is, I didn't. I hated it. I felt like everything was taken out of my hands and placed in the hands of men, who, based on what they thought about me (or how I looked) and what they wanted from me, decided who I should be. On top of which, if I gave them what they wanted, I'd be labelled a slut and if I didn't I'd be labelled frigid and men I didn't please started hate campaigns on me which we're joined (or even led) by women who (for some reason I don't understand) were jealous. It took over my life, when all I wanted was to learn, get good grades, play netball, sing in the choir and make friends.
It was no surprise, looking back, that as a 13 year old, trying to find my way into adulthood and experiencing this, I became anorexic. It killed several birds with one stone. Firstly, and most importantly, it gave me something that I could have control over when I felt I had so little control over anything else. Secondly, as I started to look more like a skeleton than a siren, the attention and the harassment faded away. And thirdly, it served as a way of punishing myself for something I believed must be my fault.
I lost many years of my life to the fight with my mental and physical health that ensued. Anorexia is a complicated illness and there were many other contributing attributes and factors to the illness that stole years of my life, placed me at death's door more than once, and ripped through the lives of my loved ones. I am lucky enough, after much help and support and a huge personal battle to be completely recovered and with an amazing life.
But, although I have recognized the impact of the circumstances I've described here before, it was only as I read this article that I connected it with sexism. And a level of sexism that isn't about individuals but about society. Why did no-one tell me how to deal with this? Why did no-one tell boys that it's not OK to treat girls like that? Why did no-one help me develop counter messages about my identity as a woman that countered those I was receiving on a daily basis? Why did everyone just behave like this was just a part of growing up? It shouldn't be. It doesn't have to be.
We need to educate girls and boys about how to treat each other and what to expect from each other. Girls should not be seen as or made to feel like, their primary worth is as a sexual object and, on top of which, that worth will be decided by men, or, actually by society, driven by paternalistic or capitalist or whatever other values that place woman in this position (but that's another chapter's worth).
A recent study concluded that girls are more likely than boys to experience negative mental health effects as a result of the expectations placed on relationships. Author of the study Brian Soller, an assistant professor of sociology and a senior fellow of the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation Center for Health Policy at the University of New Mexico, said "Romantic relationships are particularly important components of girls' identities and are, therefore, strongly related to how they feel about themselves – good or bad. As a result, relationships that diverge from what girls envision for themselves are especially damaging to their emotional well-being."
As Jill Filipovic, in The Guardian, points out, this combination of relational and sexual identity is toxic and needs to be countered by changes in both policy and law and attitudes, 'including adult women modelling healthy female self-identity apart from their relationships, and adult men embracing the importance of their relationships and displaying their capacity for caregiving'. She points out that this also means 'expecting our sons to be emotionally competent, generous and sensitive to how their actions impact the people around them'. She concludes by saying 'there's no weakness in loving the people you love or in prioritizing your family and significant other. But there are dangers in a model of womanhood defined by sacrifice and folding yourself into others. We all want girls to develop positive self-esteem and feel a strong sense of self-worth. But it's awfully hard to do that in a society where, for girls and women, self-identity is relational and not about yourself at all.'
We have to change the norms and it has to start with the young.