I was recently reading some of Carol Dweck's work on mindsets and how the messages we give and, in particular, the way we praise children can affect their behaviour and, specifically, their resilience in the face of challenge or adversity. Perhaps that was what drew my attention to this article in the Huffington Post about how children born in the 1980's onwards (in mostly developed nations) have been brought up expecting instant gratification, with short attention spans and a lack of intrinsic motivation and that this is backfiring in the form of depression and apathy and an inability to innovate and survive.
I found his outline of where things went wrong particularly interesting:
The author suggests we need to let our kids fail, rein in their dreams, teach them to accept consequences and take responsibility hand in hand with autonomy and look beyond 'me'.
In a world where self-esteem has come to be valued as the golden panacea (if a child has self-esteem then all will be well), excessive praise has been seen as the tool to achieve that and give your child everything. If you can just make them believe that they are good enough (or often - better than everyone else). But in doing so we have missed several important questions - good enough for what? and what is self-esteem without esteem for and from others?
Coming back to Dweck...her (and others' research) demonstrates the damage that telling our kids they are special can do. While praise is important, the type of praise and the way it is given matter immensely. Chapter 1 in Nurture Shock summarises the research on this - for praise to be effective it needs to be:
The chapter highlights the importance of praising effort and improvement, placing success in their hands, rather than intelligence and high achievement, which suggests you are either successful or not, effort implies that you are not naturally successful and therefore it is all out of your hands. Furthermore, failure needs to be addressed honestly but compassionately.
After reading the article and the book chapter I concluded along similar lines: we need to stop mollycuddling our children by promising them they can have or be anything they want; we need to stop throwing them images of life as constantly made up of fun, fame and fortune; we need to stop telling them they are special for no specific reason.
I found his outline of where things went wrong particularly interesting:
- ''We've told our kids to dream big - and now any small act seems insignificant. In the great scheme of things, kids can't instantly change the world. They have to take small, first steps - which seem like no progress at all to them. Nothing short of instant fame is good enough. "It's time we tell them that doing great things starts with accomplishing small goals," he says.
- We've told our kids that they are special - for no reason, even though they didn't display excellent character or skill, and now they demand special treatment. The problem is that kids assumed they didn't have to do anything special in order to be special.
- We gave our kids every comfort - and now they can't delay gratification. And we heard the message loud and clear. We, too, pace in front of the microwave, become angry when things don't go our way at work, rage at traffic. "Now it's time to relay the importance of waiting for the things we want, deferring to the wishes of others and surrendering personal desires in the pursuit of something bigger than 'me,'" Elmore says.
- We made our kids happiness a central goal - and now it's difficult for them to generate happiness -- the by-product of living a meaningful life. "It's time we tell them that our goal is to enable them to discover their gifts, passions and purposes in life so they can help others. Happiness comes as a result."
The author suggests we need to let our kids fail, rein in their dreams, teach them to accept consequences and take responsibility hand in hand with autonomy and look beyond 'me'.
In a world where self-esteem has come to be valued as the golden panacea (if a child has self-esteem then all will be well), excessive praise has been seen as the tool to achieve that and give your child everything. If you can just make them believe that they are good enough (or often - better than everyone else). But in doing so we have missed several important questions - good enough for what? and what is self-esteem without esteem for and from others?
Coming back to Dweck...her (and others' research) demonstrates the damage that telling our kids they are special can do. While praise is important, the type of praise and the way it is given matter immensely. Chapter 1 in Nurture Shock summarises the research on this - for praise to be effective it needs to be:
- Specific
- Sincere (children can see straight through insincerity)
- Not excessive (too much praise distorts children's motivation)
The chapter highlights the importance of praising effort and improvement, placing success in their hands, rather than intelligence and high achievement, which suggests you are either successful or not, effort implies that you are not naturally successful and therefore it is all out of your hands. Furthermore, failure needs to be addressed honestly but compassionately.
After reading the article and the book chapter I concluded along similar lines: we need to stop mollycuddling our children by promising them they can have or be anything they want; we need to stop throwing them images of life as constantly made up of fun, fame and fortune; we need to stop telling them they are special for no specific reason.